Tuesday, December 01, 2009

More from Live Journal.....

Random thoughts of motherhood

September 15th, 2005

It is amazing what looking back through pictures can do to you. I went onto my shutterfly account looking for a picture of our tandem stroller since we were selling it to someone and spend nearly an hour looking at pictures of the boys, especially Austin, when they were babies.

It is hard to believe how quickly they grow up and away. I have been striving to spend a little one on one time each day with both of them. I feel like over the last year of pregnancy and newborn adjustment I have lost track of who they are. Austin has grown into such a strong independent little guy that I all to often forget how young he really is. I ask too much of him. I need to let him be little.

Colton is so exuberant and playful. His imagination is fun to watch. He adores his big brother and follows his every move. Points that both amuse and annoy. To night at dinner Marc was trying in vain to get Colton to take a bite of his sloppy-joe, when Austin says to him "go ahead Colty it is really tasty!" and Colton smiles at Austin and says "Ok Brother!". Marc and I just shook our heads in disbelief. The power of the big brother!

I don't remember much of Colton's babyness. I wonder why it isn't in my head. I keep thinking that I missed out. All the stress of Marc's job then, the lack of ability to deal, the postpartum hell. All of it was so much in my head that I forgot to enjoy my baby. That is sad. I am trying like hell to enjoy him now. I don't want to forget what he is like. I don't want to miss that.

I need to journal more. I need to write down all of the cute and annoying things that they do. I need to document it. So when they ask me "mommy what was I like as a child" I have so much to tell them they are able to relive it.

I am trying to savor Lily. To sip her gently like a hot perfectly brewed cup of Earl Grey. I want to examine her from nose to toes every day and note each subtle little change that occurs in my mind so I don't loose it later. I am 99% sure I won't have another child of my own. I hated most of my pregnancy with Lily, but I miss some things. I miss the knowlege of a being that is only mine. The movements, the heartbeat, the visions of what she will be like. I am already forgetting what that felt like. I miss the anticipation of labor and the strength of my body to birth a child. I feel so tired and weak now compared to how I felt then.

To be pregnant, even when you are sick with it, is to be fully alive and an active participant in the cycle of life. It is an amazing thing.

Now as I nurse Lily and wonder what it will be like in the years that follow when that connection with her is gone, I am reminded to cherish each moment she spends in my arms. I think back to what it was like to nurse the boys. To have them both in my arms being comforted by both my body and each other. It was a moment in time I never want to forget. It is hard to believe that less than a year ago Colton was still nursing. He weaned so easily when my body just couldn't handle the stress of pregnancy and breastfeeding. He was so gracious and caring.

Even now he is concerned about how I feel. He will come up pat my leg or arm and ask "mommy does that feel better?" When I am sad, down, hurting, sore, ill, or just out of sorts, he will notice and light up my world with his spectacular smile and run to give me the best of hugs.

Austin's intelligence and love of learning at such a young age is a wonder to me. I love to watch him discover his world and beg for more. It is gratifying to know that he truly wants more. I only wish I could give him the opportunity to go to school right now. But, there is a part of me that is secretly glad we can't afford it right now. I am not sure I am ready to share him yet. I want to keep those special "ah-ha" moments to myself right now.

I am so blessed. No matter what the fianances say, I am rich beyond measure. Each moment that brings new worry into my life my children are able to help me brush it off and say to myself "this too shall pass". And focus on what is really really important. Being a mother.

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