Big changes are coming.....and I don't like it.

Many of you know what a rough year this has been for us financially. It's been difficult all over and we are no exception. I've been out of work now for a year, Marc's company cut some of his compensation, and our mortgage went up like so many other homeowner's across our country.

We've been working with our lender to try to work something out. It seems to take forever. We started the process back on October when we knew we were going to start having trouble making ends meet. We only just now were given their "final offer". And it isn't a solution we can live with. So, we are selling our house.  After doing our taxes we made 15K LESS than we made in 2008 and that tells the whole story right there.

This is such a mixed bag for me.  I hate being strapped and having to play "bill lottery" every payday. I hate having to clip coupons and shop at 4 different stores to save the most money on food, but still get quality food for my family.  I hate having to give up even small conveniences because we just can't afford them.  So paying less a month for housing/utilities etc will free up some money for the extras, for the nice things in life that we've done without.  We will be able to pay off the van really fast, and maybe even get a small commuter car for Marc, so I can have a vehicle during the day. We will be able to turn the maintenance over to someone else and not worry about what happens if something breaks.  We can take the occasional trip to the coast and not worry about the money it costs in gas quite as much as we have to now.  We could even save up for a family trip back east to see my parents and grandparents, which we have not done since Lily was born.  We will be much more mobile and ready to accept any new opportunities that come our way, like a transfer back to Texas to be closer to family (one can hope!).

On the other hand, I will have to give up the freedom to paint my walls any color I choose.  I will be giving up my mature, amazingly well producing strawberry patch, my flower beds, and my yard that I have spend so many hours lovingly tending.

This alone makes me want to cry.  

I will have to once again leave a kids bedroom behind that I worked so hard to paint, decorate, do murals on etc.

We will most likely have to rent a storage unit and loose the ability to use our full size deep freezer.  Depending on where we move the kids may loose the ability to safely play outside without constant adult supervision.  They will be leaving friends behind. If we can't find a place in their current school district there will be a starting over for all of us. For them with making new friends, learning a new school, and adjusting to new teachers.  For me to build a report with a whole new administration and staff.

No matter where we end up I will be spending the next few weeks scrounging for boxes and packing up all our belongings, purging out what we no longer want to carry along with us, and getting ready for this next chapter in the story of our lives.  I will have to get the house ready for sale.  I will have to paint over the pink and purple of my daughter's room. I will be searching high and low for the best possible place for us to relocate to. And I will be praying it all goes smoothly even though I know how my luck runs, and I'm certain this road too will be littered with potholes.

I have to believe we are meant to do this, that everything happens for a reason, but I don't have to like it right now.  I need to let myself be sad and grieve the loss.

 Tonight I will cry.

Tomorrow I will call the Realtor.